Wanton Mental Abandon

Musings, Wonderings, &c.

If your home or personal property are damaged or destroyed by tornado, earthquake, or some other “Act of God”, can you sue the church?

 The other day, I found a potato chip that looked just like a seashell.  I put it to my ear and sure enough, I could hear the ground.

 Does moldy bread count as a green vegetable?

 Why is a black person referred to as being “of African persuasion”?  Nobody talked him into it, and he’s not going around trying to convince other people to be African.

 If you wash a sheep in hot water and blow-dry him, will he shrink?

 Microwave popcorn always says “Heat This Side Up.”  How are you supposed to do that without heating up the other side too?

 Consider the early worm.

 If you get a paper cut while writing a check, will it leave a check mark?

 I don’t really worry much that I talk to myself.  What bothers me is that I mumble and I can’t understand what I’m saying.

 I’ll bet one of Nat King Cole’s most popular songs was written in the shower and was originally entitled “Soap Gets in Your Eyes”.

 I think Dennis Hopper should have had a son named Claude.

 If my last name was Goode, I’d name my son Phil and send him to medical school.

 Have you ever noticed how hard it is to find toys and games that teach eye-hand coordination to blind kids?

 “BEE ATTACKS COLLECTOR” - Wouldn’t this headline be fun to see on a memo board at the IRS?

When an eel grabs your arm

And he causes you harm

That’s a Moray....

There ought to be an Italian cooking show entitled “Cooking with Matt Karoney”.

Why can’t you ever find tuna noodle soup?

 Once I wanted to fax something to the editors of Life magazine.  Then I realized I don’t have the number for the Fax of Life.

I got a fortune cookie the other day that said “Executive ability is prominent in your makeup”....I don’t even wear makeup!

I think that the reason cowboys wear great big belt buckles is so you can’t see that they couldn’t fasten the top two buttons of their Levi’s.

 A friend and I were discussing a local businesswoman during lunch.  It just so happened that she was seated at the table behind us....I was struck fourteen times before I could explain that what I said was “She’s a bit shrewd.”

 If it were up to fathers, every son would have a name short enough to write in the snow.  “Right, Tim?”  “That’s right, Al.”

 Like sands through the hourglass, so are the tiny thoughts in my brain.

 A friend and I used to entertain at children’s parties.  One time a bunch of especially unruly kids got out of hand and mobbed him.  So I said “Hey! You! Get off of my Clown!”

In the long quest to discover who I am, I have finally realized...I’m the one my mother warned me about!

I set out one day to find myself.  I went to all the places I used to go, but I didn’t see me anywhere.  I called back later to all the places I’d looked to ask if anyone had seen me.  They all said I’d just been in earlier that day.  It seems no matter where I go I’m always one step behind.

 If food which is only slightly cooked and still crisp is called “al Dente”, then food that’s burnt to a crisp should be called “al Dante”.

 What if the national president of Alcoholics Anonymous was a woman named Anita Bier?

 I’d like to see a book entitled “Effective Child Discipline” written by Tanya Hyde.

 A friend of mine went to Europe to find himself. I still haven’t figured out why he though he might be in Europe.

 Like tinfoil on an infected molar, so are the days of our lives.

 For Sale: Left lung.  Slightly smoke damaged.  Will consider trade for bass boat.

 You know it was a wild night when you come home, throw your clothes in the floor, and wake up the next morning still wearing them.

M’gana:  Swahili word meaning “I will never”.  Examples include:

                 M’gana lose twenty pounds.

                 M’gana fix that leaky faucet.

                 M’gana spank you if you don’t behave.

I’ll bet the reason you don’t see underground commuter parking facilities is because they could lead to Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Genesis:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

And the earth was without form and void.

And God said “Let there be stuff.”  And dinosaurs roamed the earth.

And God looked upon the dinosaurs and said “No, no!  Not that kind of stuff!”

And glaciers came and erased the mess, which God had made.

And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

Why is it that you can say “they aren’t” or “they’re not”, but you can’t say “they’rn’t”?

 I once knew twins named Sharon & Karen.  Karen didn’t share and Sharon didn’t care.

 If you love something, eat its children.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t, at least you got a good meal.

Let your mind go free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t, it never was.

Birthday Greetings You Never See-    As your youth drips slowly away, we celebrate yet another bloated droplet splashing wetly into the pitiless dust of old age.

 I got into a fight with my girlfriend the other day and she threatened to tape off a line and divide the house in half.  The next day, I came home to find a line of tape halfway up the wall, all the way around the house.  She said, “My half is on the bottom.  Now, get off my side!”

Rules of Etiquette

1.  When dining out in fine restaurants, it is usually considered improper to whistle with your mouth full.

2.  It is generally considered a bad idea to address one’s boss as “Sweet Pockets”.

A guitar is like a dirty nose.  You’ve got to pick it right to get the really tasty licks.

 I wonder if Nostradamus started out saying things like “You’re gonna put your eye out”.

 I really loved my classes in college.  After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 Ever notice how most people, when asked a puzzling question, scratch their head.  But a few scratch their butt?

 When Devil worshippers have a debate, does one of them play “God’s Advocate”?

 Choosy fathers choose Annette Funicello.

Songs I’d Like to Write

    1.  I Used to Think I Didn’t Deserve You, But Now I’m Afraid I Do

    2.  I Used to Want to Be the Man You Deserve, But Now I Know I’m Better Than That

The best thing about cats is that they have nine lives, and so a Vietnamese restaurant can serve the same cat nine times.

 I once met a man who sold dirty pet jokes and I had to ask, "How much is that dog innuendo?"

 The first time I ever tried Samuel Adams beer I thought, “This is a wonderful imported beer.”  So I started telling all my friends about this imported Samuel Adams beer.  Finally one of them pointed to the label and said “Hey, this is made right here in Boston, Massachusetts.”  The point is, sometimes things are not as imported as they seem.

 I went to the specialty store the other day to buy some incense.  The clerk was really insensitive.  I was incensed!

Three Reasons Why I Don’t Wash My Coffee Cup at Work:

    1.  I always know which cup is mine.

    2.  I never have to worry about someone borrowing or stealing it.

    3.  About once every three months, I can just add hot water and have a free cup of coffee.

More important than being consistent, is being consistently right.

 Ever notice how really big things are, like really heavy?

The Great Conspiracy:

 ·        Jesus was 33 years old at the time of his death.  He was born on Christmas and died on Good Friday which are four months apart making him 33 1/3 years old when he died.  That’s exactly the same as a record RPMs.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so!

 ·        My sister’s hat size is the same as her shoe size.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so!!

·        My aunt’s age has always been the same as her dress size.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so!!!

Unreliable people are like hands without fingers.  You just can’t count on them.

 I’ll bet that when stained glass was discovered, the first thing they said was, “Oooh, that’s never gonna come out!”

 You know how, back in high school and college, you did a lot of really wild things and always worried about the cops?  Things only change a little when you get older and have a family.  The other day, a friend said to me “Whoa, I just ate a whole three pound bag of M&M’s.  I thought the kids were coming.”

 I had to supervise some four and five year olds once.  I don’t really like kids, so we sang, “If you’re happy and you know it, bang your head” and “If you’re happy and you know it kick your mom.”

 I really did think it was a cute little song that I taught my son to sing to his mother:  “All I want for Christmas is an AXE!...Mom...”   She didn’t agree.

 The other day, I was washing my hands when suddenly, in a fit of reckless abandon, I washed my fingers, too.

 Sandwiches: you’ve got egg salad, tuna salad, ham salad... but not potato salad?

 A sneeze is an allergic pre-reaction to snot on your hands.

 “Ie Jesu Domine.  Dona eis requiem.  Can I get a Amen!”  – Southern Franciscan

 If something that normally costs an arm and a leg is on sale at 50% off, does it cost a hand and a foot?

 Where I come from, the Game Wardens drive around in trucks with “Wildlife Officer” painted on the side.....”Freeze!!  Put down the nuts and put your paws in the air!”

 Hmmmm...Live and let live...Kill or be killed...Decisions, decisions.

 Do German cats get Fuhrer-balls?

 If you take a big whiff of something that smells really bad, when you breathe back out does it still stink?  If it doesn’t, then where did all the stink go?

 Someone once said, “The Blues ain’t nothin’ but a good man feelin’ bad.”  So I guess ‘Gangsta Rap’ ain’t nothin’ but a bad man feelin’ good.

Definition

di-ag-nos-tic: n. a person who is twice as skeptical as an ordinary agnostic.

What rednecks call shooting craps everyone else calls skeet.

 Getting lost is a topographical error.

 Why is it that you can hold someone’s hand, gaze into their eyes, kiss their lips, or step on their feet, but you never listen to their ears or smell their nose? 

 Phlegm - Official breakfast of champion smoker Mel Hayes.

 There’s a guy I work with who’s a real “lean machine”.  Seems that’s all he does.  Lean.

 I may seem berating and abusive on the outside, but deep down, I’m a warm caring person longing for someone to berate and abuse.

Fun Things to Say in a Crowded Elevator

1.      Wanna see my vasectomy scars?

2.      What was that noise?!

3.      I hope you’ll excuse me.  I had a really wicked burrito about an hour ago.

4.      Oooooh, this feels really good!

5.      Aaaaghh!!

6.      Man, you sure have a lot of lint in your pocket.

7.      Hey Lady, Look!  I can see your reflection in my shoes!

8.      Does this look infected to you?

9.      Are you gonna eat that?

10.    Boy, it sure is crowded, huh?  Boy, it sure is crowded, huh?  Boy, it sure is crowded, huh?

I went once to a little cafe called ‘Just Desserts’.  I sat down, and the waitress brought me a slap in the face.

 Isn’t concept of Purgatory sort of like saying “You’re gonna go to Heck!”?

 Someone asked me once what I wanted from life.  I looked around and said, “Oh, just give me one of each.”

 In Mongolia, is a local figure of speech called a ‘mongolism’?

 You eat turkey for Thanksgiving, and ham for Christmas.  So what do you eat for Ground Hog Day, sausage?

 I love owls.  They’re a hoot!

 I invented a toy.  You turn a little handle on the side and a miniature figure of my Uncle Louie pops out and insults you… I call it a Jerk-in-the-Box.

 I met a guy once who described his job as “just a button pusher.”  What he didn’t say was that he worked at a missile silo.

 A rolling stone gathers momentum.

 How come you don’t cook pancakes in cake pans?

A Pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

An Optimist sees the glass as half full.

An Engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.

A Marketer sees the glass as having double the capacity of the competitor’s full glass

A Mother sees the glass as half as likely to get spilled.

A Drinker sees the glass as halfway to a refill.

FREEFALL:  0 – 60 in 2.7 seconds

 If a bulimic eats pizza and then sticks her finger down her throat, is it hand-tossed?

 The voices in my head aren’t a problem, except when they all start talking at once.

 I had a dream the other night that I could talk to birds.  I talked to Mr. Chick-a-dee, Mr. Whip-poor-will, Mr. Bob White.  They all kept calling me Mr. Blah-blah.

 I sometimes wonder: How many Japanese can Harry carry?

 I’ve always had trouble remembering names.  Even as a child, I’d shout things like “STOP THAT, YOU BIG…uh…Duffy?”

 United Rabies Carriers – “Share the madness”

 If you pretend to be interested in someone, does that make them your Object of Affectation?

 Evidently my boss is hard of hearing and thought I said, “Cut me some Flack”.

 I started messing around with Acupressure once and discovered a spot that wipes out your memory.  But I can’t remember where it is…

 A jalapeno is like a fishhook.  It hurts more coming out than it did going in.

 My kitten was tearing through the house the other day.  I grabbed him and told him to settle down.  He said, “Hey, I’m a kitten.  I’m supposed to act like this.  Get out of my way.”

 Is it just me, or does hearing bad language make everybody hungry for soap?

 Few things escape me.  Reality just happens to be one of them.

Engineering phrase:  “All other work is being held up by this project.”

Translation:  “It’s on the bottom of the stack.”

Who the Heck Are These People?

1. Annette – the one who is never there for the safety of circus performers.

2. Joy – that everybody jumps for?

3. Heidi Ho?

4. Hugh – that everyone says they love?

5. Jose Cañusèe– the guy in the National Anthem?

6. Justin Case?

7. Wise Old Al?

8. USDA Joyce?

9. Barbie Q.?

10. Freida Go - that the police always think you are?

11. Anne Howe?

Train Mathematics

Train A approaches the station traveling east at 65 mph with an ETA of 45 minutes.  Train B leaves the station traveling west on the same track, accelerating at a rate of 21 ft/sec/sec.  How far apart are the trains at the time of the crash?

I realized the other day why there is a brand of cosmetics called Max Factor.  It’s because the MAXimum amount of crap that a man is willing to put up with is directly related to how pretty the woman is.  So, by using these products, she can make herself prettier and therefore increase her “Max Factor”.

 I hate when I think I’m getting to work early and it turns out my watch is slow.

 People say I’m skeptical, but I’m not sure I believe that.

 When my girlfriend’s son turned 15, I told him, “It’s time we turned that boyish smirk into a manly leer.”

 “You only hurt the ones you love.”  - The Sadist’s Creed

 I was talking to a friend of mine, and he said, “Mind if I bounce something off you?”  I said, “Is it heavy?”

 Hey!  My water-resistant watch got water in it.  I guess it just couldn’t resist.

A Brief Excerpt from “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Peter, Paul, and Mary (with embellishment)

“How many ears must one man have, before” they PUT HIM IN THE CIRCUS!!  MAN, LOOK AT THE GUY WITH ALL THOSE EARS!!!

 People are always saying, “You remind me of somebody.”  To which I reply, “I am.”

Failed Ventures

1.  Travel Twister

I feel like I’ve been dragged upstream through a wet mule.

 I guess after seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s going to take awhile for my eyes to re-adjust.

The 10 Worst Descriptions of a Potential Blind Date

10.  “She’s got the prettiest eye.”

  9.  “It’s not that his lips are BIG, really.  He just has a disproportionately small mouth.”

  8.  “She used to weigh over 400 lbs, but you’d never know it.”

  7.  “Her teeth are like pearls, both of them.”

  6.  “She’s got eyes that shine like rubies.”

  5.  “

  1.  “She’s REALLY sweet!”

Now that my credit cards are maxed out, I can no longer support myself in the manner to which I have become accustomed.

If someone bought you a really gaudy tie that had an embroidered picture of a Mai Tai on it, and if they were so embarrassed for having gotten it for you that they apologized for it every time you saw them to the point that it started to really annoy you, and if they finally quit going on about it all the time and didn’t think about it anymore, then you could say to them,

“Thank-you, thank-you for forgetting getting my Mai Tai tie.”

I guess you could think of trivia as “Mental Handy Crap”.

 Dolly Madison was a great Pastriot.

 Do you suppose Hoss, Adam, Little Joe, and Ben Cartwright, and all the ranch hands on the Ponderosa ever got tired of Chinese food?

 It looks like a bucket, but it’s a pail by comparison.

 My dog’s been eating out of the cat pan and licking my ears, and now everything sounds like crap.

 As I travel through life, I often ask… “Are we there yet?”

Overborough’s Lounge and Discotech with donkeys under the dance floor –

“Go-go over Overborough’s burrows!”

Then there was the kid who was opening Christmas presents and wound up a toy.

 Do you suppose that when God was creating the world, He had to decide whether or not to have weather or not?

 Why is it that fancy restaurants offer fresh ground pepper, but never freshly granulated salt?

 I’ll bet the term “cow hide” was coined by ranch hands who couldn’t find them.

 “Our guest today is Bob Green, author of the new book ‘People and How to Ignore Them.’  Bob, tell us a little about your book.”   “Bob…”  “Bob?…”  “Bob!!!”

 I’m writing a book about a girl who eats Doritos until she pukes.   I call it ‘The Face That Launched a Thousand Chips’.

How many co-dependents does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They just sit in the dark and vow that they won’t shine until it does.

My schizophrenia has a mind of its own.

 Are people who discriminate called Workers of Inequity?

 I like my coffee like my women, strong and bitter.         

 Did the children in Ancient Greece read Dr. Zeus?

 I had a dream the other night, and everybody was in it but me.

 It’s people like you that make people like me Like people like you.

 How come you never see horror movies about a disembodied torso?

 For some women, PMS stands for Pretty Much Standard.

The Engineer’s Serenity Prayer

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The Courage to change the things I cannot accept,

And the Wisdom to put back together those things I took apart to see if I could change them.

It takes all kinds. There’s just some kinds it doesn’t take as many of.

 Crowds don’t bother me so much; it’s the people in them that really tick me off.

 Sometimes the things I read just go in one eye and out the other.

 What’s the opposite of “Capitalism”,  “Lower-case-ism”?

Really Bad Car Names

1. Ford Expulsion
2. Toyota Colonic
3. Volkswagen Bleep
4. Renault Croissant
5. Honda Prolapse
6. Toyota Caramba
7. Kia Porridge
8. Dodge Infirmity
9. Chrysler Pillager
10. Daihatsu Pokia-I
11. Geo Spasm

It only takes one burrito to completely ruin eight months of aromatherapy.

 Does the Swiss Army have a covert operations group that sneaks across enemy lines and opens all their cans?

 The other night, I thought I heard a Were-wuss whining at the moon.

 If the pigment in hair is called melanin, should dark-haired people be called “melan-heads”?

 I think I have insomnia.  I keep dreaming that I’m asleep, but then I wake up and discover I’m really not.

 I’m writing a movie about a guy that can’t make any friends.  It stars Sigourney Weaver and Arnold Schwartzenegger, and it’s called “The Alienator”.

 I have a friend who was called for jury duty just before Christmas.  He ended up giving the gift of Time.

 Polar Magnetism:  the invisible force that causes large white bears to be attracted to one another.

 Never ask an ugly person to help you find something.  They don’t look good.

In the heat of passion, she said, "Hurt me!"  So he said "Okay, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?"